How to Deal When Your Past Won’t Let Go

We’ve all been there, where your life seems to finally be hitting stride. And not just any old stride, but a new, fresh-start stride. You’re sailing along, finally getting a hang of a “new normal” after the past year or so has felt like a struggle to get over a hump of changes whether they be breaking up with your partner, growing apart from an old friend or calling it quits on a dream project you’ve had all your life, when BAM. Your past abruptly rears it’s unwelcome head and say’s “Hey. Remember me? Remember this pain? Remember this heart-ache? Remember this un-wanted change?” and you’re all like “REALLY? like really? like right now as I’m FINALLY getting the hang of sailing my new ship on its new course?”.

Ok, so maybe you don’t have your new dream yacht yet, metaphorically speaking of course, but when you’re trying to move on from a big change in your life, or at least finally starting to get a sense of what your new normal will look like, your past butting in can be more than an annoyance. Let’s get real, figuring out how to deal when your past won’t let go can be a huge stress and challenge in life. If you let it. Deciding whether to face your past head on and deal with it or to finally close the door and let go can be a tough decision to make. Knowing that you’ve made the “right” decision for you can sometimes feel like going through all the emotions of a Taylor Swift song, which is especially hard for women who pride themselves on being self-assured and confident in their decisions.

1. Do you have any unanswered questions?

Make no judgements about it, when you’re in the thick of splitting up romantic or not, feelings can be raw which can make really understanding where things went left difficult to do. Sometimes we avoid asking the tough questions that really help us to understand what part we played, how we could have made different choices that might have been better for all parties or just plain understanding for closure. Ask yourself if there is anything you still wonder about that is so important it’s been affecting your fresh start. I firmly believe that if you still don’t have closure (whether romantic or platonic), little wonderings can fester,  and in ways we don’t even know can keep us from truly letting go and moving on. This goes without saying, but be honest with yourself. If you’re facing your past it shouldn’t be to re-hash old wounds that have already been discussed three ways to Sunday.

2. What is YOUR motive?

In too many an advice column/women’s magazine article have I read be weary of ghost’s from a past’s motive. Instead, don’t focus on why your past is knocking, but focus on why YOU would feel the need/want to either face the issue head on or keep it moving. If you’re hiding from yourself, guess what you’ll never be able to shake your shadow (sorry!) and if think that you can talk your way back to where you were in the past before things went south, you’ll be left out in the cold. Don’t expect your old best friend to come back with half your closet and also don’t expect that you can hide from those unanswered questions you might have for you ex. This is about managing expectations when choosing how you’ll proceed, so be reasonable and play out the scenarios. You won’t fix everything, or maybe anything, but if it’s closure, health and happiness you’re looking in the interaction, you’re on the right track.

3. Give yourself time to assess your own feelings

Don’t jump to decisions too quickly. Seeing or hearing from a ghost from your past can be quite a shock when you thought you were scott free but your immediate reaction isn’t always the most accurate reflection of how you feel deep down. When you first get a call from an ex-bestfriend out of the blue, you might not feel that it really affected you and write it off convinced there are no open doors or windows to shut. But give yourself time to process and sleep a few nights on it, especially if they keep reaching out. Take time to ask yourself, do I find my mind wandering to questions that I never asked or things I never had the opportunity to say. If you do, maybe you need to seriously consider facing your past head on and finally addressing everything out in the open.

I personally can relate to this last point especially. When I recently had to deal with a part of my own past that wouldn’t let go, at first I was warm and receptive because I was hoping we could close the door in a way that would both give us peace. When the person continued to reach out and I started loosing sleep it wasn’t because of  any unresolved questions, wonderings or thoughts that I hadn’t already shared to get peaceful closure for myself, but feelings of anxiety that this person seemed to want to tether my forward progress for their own unknown reasons.  I didn’t realize immediately the effect it was having on both my own ability to have peace but to also continue my journey forward with a fresh start. I had to be brutally honest with myself; that my motive of making closure feel like a perfectly wrapped parcel wasn’t realistic and that my other motive for being seen as “a good caring person” was hindering them from cutting contact, finding peace and moving forward with their own journey too.  Taking the time to evaluate my own sense of closure as it related to unanswered questions and unshared feelings as well as critically examining my own motives helped me feel confident of my initial feeling that I already had the closure I needed, and that I only needed to accept that I don’t have to “be nice” or perceived as understanding to have the peace I already felt within me. What matters is your own form of closure, peace of mind and forward movement.

I hope for any of you who are going through you own challenges with a past, that you find this post helpful. First and foremost do what is right for you and listen to your intuition, but give yourself the time you need to really process how to deal when your past won’t let you go and have confidence in your decision!

“The past is never where you think you left it.”
― Katherine Anne Porter