I could have written a million things about this topic, my body. I could have written about the struggles to accept my body. But instead when Mel and I were chatting about this, one thought kept popping in my mind over and over: that when I first wake up in the morning and I’m still lying in bed, I feel completely satisfied with my body. There is not an ounce of me that doesn’t appreciate the shape of it, how strong it is, where this body has taken me and that most importantly, I’m healthy and don’t have to worry about my well-being and living in this body. After all, that’s the most important thing! LIVING in this body. It’s not a tool for modeling clothes, or snagging the hottest guy, or a status symbol for which society will inspect and then say “yes, you go in this group” or “no, you go in this group” or “you earn this much” or “you’re worth less today”.
I’m extremely lucky to have a body that serves me and my dreams. In this body I have loved, my heart has ached, a magnificently torturous feeling that my body has allowed me to feel. In this body, I have laughed, spent nights lying in the grass with girlfriends contemplating life and the family this body will provide. This body has walked me up and down just about EVERY street in Paris, taken me surfing in Puerto Rico and bike riding for miles up and down the coldest and teeny tiniest coast in northern Germany. My body allows me to chase after the activities that make me feel amazing like jumping, skipping, laughing, walking hand in hand and dancing! Hugging my dad and mom, reaching out and holding my grandmother’s hand, offering a very awkward elbow rub (Mel you’ll get this ha!) to my friends are some the most dear things that I hold the closest to my heart, that my body allows me to do!
I think this feeling is most prevalent for me in the early morning when laying in bed because I’m still in the safety of my cocoon of sheets and pillows, far away from the real world which sits right out side my living room door. I’m still halfway in my dream world of places far away and people I haven’t met yet, adventures I dream my body will take me on. So why should I feel any different about my body when lying down in bed dreaming then how I feel when I’m dressed and standing in front of my full length mirror about to sprint out of the house? Or when I’m in my bikini at deep eddys? Or when I’m in a room filled with beautiful women? I SHOULDN’T. Most of the time I don’t. But there are those occasions when those useless little trolls inside my head speak up, those little things called insecurities. The part I try to remember, is when those insecurities speak up, when they rear their super ugly stupid heads, I’m not thinking of all those wonderful places my body has taken me, or those laughs with my friends, or the amazing and absolutely thrilling feelings my body has afforded me, or all the miles left of exploring that my body will allow me to chase. I’m just not. I’m thinking of all the things that don’t matter, and comparing my body to someone else’s. This is a trap! For me at least. Because my journey with my body is utterly unique to me, I would be a fool (a really normal womanly fool) to believe I want a journey any other than my own.
Growing up especially, I watched my Mom go through so many challenges with the health of her body. I was so young and didn’t understand fully what was happening but I did understand that Mommy’s body was fighting against her instead of with her. I didn’t understand why and I couldn’t help but think will my body one day turn against me? When you have someone close to you go through cancer at such a young age, it’s hard to put the experience in perspective immediately. But as I have continued my 25 year journey with my body, I can say I’m so genuinely appreciative of the health I have and that I continue to, as my dad says, extend the warranty by doing the activities that challenge my body and keep it strong, ready and able.
What I mean to say, is that, YOU get to define your body, how you feel about your body, how you accept your body, how you love your body, how you nurture your body and how you embrace your body. This is how I choose to feel about my body, as I first do when I wake up from an exhilarating dream where my body took me leaping, running, jumping through cobble stone streets holding the hand of someone I love turning, twisting, laughing, smiling, breathing, living.
If you’re interested in reading more This Body My Body stories, check out the fabulous ones below and Melissa’s story tomorrow!
“Actually, the best gift you could have given her was a lifetime of adventures…” – Lewis Carroll
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